Depression at Work – Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle
October 19, 2011
This summer my wife and I lost a baby.
Upon initially hearing of her pregnancy, we were elated. Our two year old daughter had been a textbook healthy pregnancy and naively we assumed that all subsequent pregnancies would be similar. Then came the worried looks. The news that we’d either lose the baby or have a child with special needs. And a week later, the news that he or she had passed.
I am a psychologist, which on paper should make this easier, right? After all, I have the tools and knowledge to ameliorate pain. But despite my best efforts at positive thinking, exercising, socializing and maintaining perspective, my level of engagement at work has suffered. I have continued to meet my clients’ needs and even roll out a handful of cool new products, but it has been a grind.
I’ve internally debated the propriety of sharing something this personal on a corporate blog for some months now and obviously my wife gave her consent before I finalized my decision. There are a few reasons I’ve decided to share this in so public a forum:
Transparency Heals – IncBlot was formed in part as a reaction to other firms that talked a good game in client facing roles but whose internal office cultures were cankered with the same subterfuge they professed to hate. We all hurt at times. The sooner we stop pretending that’s not the case, the faster our organizations will start to coalesce around the aspirational values on the poster in the hall.
Community Heals – It takes a community to raise a child, so it stands to reason that it should take a community to mourn the loss of one as well. I often hear organizations bemoan the fact that they don’t take enough time to “pause and celebrate success.” If we are slow to celebrate victories, how much less likely are we to wade through the discomfort of sadness with someone with whom we work?
Getting Out of Your Head Heals – The line in the IncBlot Talent Manifesto that raises the most eyebrows is, “No one came to work today with the aim of making your life hard. Listen. Empathize. Get over yourself.”
A phrase that may seem flippant and confrontational at first blush is actually based on a phenomenon called the “fundamental attribution error (FAE).” The FAE basically says that we ascribe others’ misbehavior to permanent states (e.g., He acted like a jerk because he is a jerk deep down to his core) while we attribute our own misbehavior to situational cues (e.g., I’m acting like a jerk because I haven’t had my coffee yet).
The net effect of operating with this bias is that we begin to believe our own misguided thinking and see ourselves as more deserving, better people than those with whom we work. Plato’s words are powerful – “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” So, before you rush to judge a coworker, try first to understand where he or she is coming from, and what situational stressors might be causing them to act in a way that you find distasteful. We’re all doing the best we can but sometimes putting one foot in the front of the other becomes monumentally difficult.
Human existence being what it is, we are all blessed and cursed with reservoirs of sadness and disappointment. It is on us to decide whether we will use those to better empathize with and support those we come in contact with, or allow them to form emotional scar tissue that keeps others away.
- Daniel Crosby
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged authenticity, community, depression, Emotional Intelligence, empathy, EQ, miscarriage, sadness, support, team building, work, workplace. Bookmark the permalink.
15 Responses to Depression at Work – Everyone You Meet is Fighting a Hard Battle
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Great post my friend, and great perspective as always.
Thanks for the honest, thoughtful post. It makes me think of one of my favorite poems…
Have Compassion…
Miller Williams
Have compassion for everyone you meet
even if they don’t want it. What seems conceit,
bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign
of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.
You do not know what wars are going on
down there where the spirit meets the bone.
—”The Ways We Touch”
Dan,
Thank you for sharing. This cut me deep and really resonated.
John
@Kristin – You’re pretty alright for a Rangers fan
.
@Danielle – That’s a beautiful poem – I especially like the “spirit meets the bone” line.
@John – Thanks so much. The conference in ATL was not the same without you.
So true about the “he’s being a jerk because” and “I’m being a jerk because” Have to keep things in perspective.
My wife and I lost a baby in the 9th month of her pregnancy many years ago. It was a very challenging time. This question of transparency in the work place is good to consider. Obviously there is a limit but it does help to realize that the people we are dealing with at work are also dealing with real life issues at home. It helps me to look at them differently. I work in a highly competetive environment. I do not need to think of my peers as competitors. I would rather think of them as valuable, caring, sensitive, human beings.
Thanks for sharing.
I am so sorry for your loss. Todd and I lost our baby this summer, too. We found that blogging about it was very cathartic and therapeutic, and it also helped those around us to understand what we were going through and how they could best support us. A lot of people shared stories of their own losses…so many that we were unaware of.
Thank you for sharing.
My heart goes out to you and yours Daniel.
Implicit in this post are two aspects of leadership. First, using reason over emotion. My guess is that if you didn’t know, understand, and believe the value of transparency, community, and getting out of one’s head, there would not be a post. (But perhaps there would be an empty pint of Ben and Jerry’s instead
) Yes, it takes courage to bring this humanness into the bright, shiny, and often artificial business environment. But to do that effectively one must be able to think about emotions well.
A related leadership element is the ability to take a position when it is unusual, unprecedented, or unsupported. This capability is as we say, “a growth area” in many organizations and for many leaders. But here, from you, we see an example of how a man can take a stand for something outside of group norms. By doing so, he not only holds the space for transparency and community, but he also inspires, educates, and leads others to new perspectives. Differentiation begets differentiation.
So, you have not only my sympathy, but my gratitude and admiration as well.
@ Bruce and Stephanie – Part of the reason that I shared this was because of people like the two of you. As I was personally impacted by this, I became aware of how many other of my friends had suffered similarly (all in silence). It’s hard enough to go through this – it’s a shame to have to go it alone. Thanks for being a part of the discussion.
@ James – While I’m thankful for your sympathy and the kind words of others who’ve expressed sympathy, I’m more thankful for your gratitude and admiration. I big part of why I chose to keep quiet about this for so long is that the people that I did tell said the things that people say when something sad happens. “Thoughts and prayers…” “Heartfelt condolences…” etc…
Those are obviously fine things to say, but they can leave the person experiencing a sadness worse off than before. Nothing is worse than getting up the courage to share and then hearing something from a friend that seems trite. I know that I’ve said the same things to friends, and really, what do you say when someone passes away? There are no appropriate words for it. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I didn’t share this so people would feel bad or even feel sympathetic. What you took away is exactly what I wanted people to take away and I thank you for accepting it in the spirit in which it was written.
My condolences. I completely concur and will be back again. Thank you.
“It ought to be second nature
At least, that’s what I feel
‘Now I lay me down in Dreamland’
I know perfect’s not for real
I thought we might get closer
But I’m ready to make a deal…”
–Neil Peart
So sorry to read this. This post resonates with me as a woman who has been there (ugh) and as a person who has worked with men & women who bring their whole selves to work. I like to believe in assuming good intent. When good intent isn’t there, you do your best as a whole person yourself to put the other person’s behavior into perspective.
Life. Never easy. Totally worth living to the fullest.
@Kevin – Thanks again.
@Laurie – Not that it’s a contest, but there is no way that men can understand this the way that women do. This is your story, my wife’s story, etc…I love the idea of “whole people” in the workplace. For me, that concept has way more upside than down – I’ll take the idiosyncratic parts of wholeness if it means I can keep the realness too.
Touched by this post Dr. In a similar context I had an employee loose a sibling last week and had to miss quite a bit of work. While my husband/biz partner was wringing his hands over missed hours that affected production I kept reminding him “How would you handle work if one of your siblings died suddenly?” Putting himself in that employee’s shoes helped him take a step back.
So sorry for your loss. May your healing continue.
Daniel, my heart goes out to you and your wife
on the lost of your baby. Nothing truly prepares
anyone for this kind of event in your life, even
training as a psychologist. Our grief is personal
and we must walk through it but it helps if others
are walking with you during this journey. My
hopes and prayers to you and your wife during
this difficult time.
I had the pleasure of meeting you twice at an
ASTD workshop and an ASTD luncheon in
Huntsville, AL. I am so very pleased to see that
you are offering a workshop on depression in
the workplace. I suffer from depression and
am currently on medication which helps my
quality of life immensely. I see people in the
corporate setting that I work in who are
suffering from depression that I suspect are
not receiving treatment for it even in this
time in history. I am glad that you are spreading
the word and educating people about this.
Please keep up the good work for all of us
that need this.
Well put Daniel. It was a tough, unexpected loss for you both. I’m so sorry.
Great blog post, great reminder to us all.